It's 12:12 in the am. And I should be resting my little head and swimming through dreams. But instead I'm here.
Tonight I'm thinking about love. And friendship. And timing. And seasons. And life. And the end of it all. It all ends they say.
Sometimes I wonder. About our hearts. Jesus built them so beautifully. And when we love Him, we can love with His love. I don't know how it fits in there...but I can feel it when it's bursting through. And I feel like my chest will explode with love. And I know that only His love would be so powerful that you can feel it pushing on your rib cage. And only His love could push on your eyes and make them spill with tears.
When I love people, I'm never good at sharing it. Not the way it feels inside. I just want to open my heart so they can see the love. But I can't do that. Cause all my blood would be spilling on the floor as well.
I've heard people say that when you love someone you never stop loving them. That you always carry a piece of them with you forever. I always thought that was silly and something people say when they break up with someone but they're still not over them. But I believe it now. I've loved dear people that I no longer speak to anymore because our paths have changed courses and we've made different life choices. But I'll still think of that incredible girl that I knew for three months and my heart throbs. Because Jesus made her so beautiful. And I hope she still remembers that.
What really got me thinking about all this life and love is my love interest. I wish I could share him with all of you. Not really, because I want to keep him for myself. But just so you could see what love is. He's one of those people that people write books and make movies about. He loves with the biggest heart I've ever seen. He'd do anything to make a smile spread across my face. But I'm never able to articulate how much I love him. Not as well as he does. "I love you so so so much" only goes so far in the mind. But even with my red hair making me temperamental, I hope he still know that my heart falls apart when I hear his voice. And when he says things like he wants to be the man to watch me die...so I'm not alone at the end and that I go from one love to another...I shatter into a million pieces. Because love like that is something you can't find on any street corner. That's Jesus love. It's real. The kind that is selfless and is greater than any feeling. I don't know how you earn love like that. But that's just it. You can't earn love like that. You just receive it. And love back as best as you can. And I just hope that I am able to live and love and be all that I can be. Because that's the least I can do. And that's all I can think to say or do. Because I can't quite literally rip my heart out without all the blood getting on everything. And I don't know how else to communicate myself. Because I'm all tangled up in my thoughts again.
But I know that Jesus loves us more than all that. I don't know how. Except that He's Love. And everytime someone loves another, it's Him reaching out and filling the space in our rib cages. Pulling on all our heart strings and making our eyes water. And I don't know how anyone, even Jesus, could love so big that'd He'd sacrifice Himself. No one's ever seen God. Meaning, no one has ever understood Him...comprehended how wonderful and good He really is. All I know is. He is good. He's always good. And He pulls on my heart strings still.
Oh, Love. I cannot express myself any more. At a loss of words, as I usually am. But my heart is bursting. I hope that is enough to paint the way I feel. And if not. I hope someday I learn to share my heart better.
N'night world.
xo
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