Today was one of those days...

When you just need one of these:

From someone like this:

Since that is completely impossible, in every sense of the word, at this time, I made a grilled cheese sandwich and a hot apple cider.

Tomorrow I have the day off....
Cheers:)

Sometimes I make stuff up and it sounds like this..

I'm standing on a cliff

On the edge of my dreams

I close my eyes

I taste the salt

I see the ocean dance beneath

I want to sink into the ink

To swim among the stars

I hold your heart in mine

As I plunge into the deep

The waves reach out to me

And I'm swallowed into the depths

I take a deep breath

Your love swirls around me

And I find my home in the arms of the sea

Is this just a dream

Or part of my reality?

Pumpkin Spice Love.

Today is the first day it's felt like fall. I absolutely love it. Can't say that I like being cold...but the spirit in the autumn air is so comforting. The pumpkins and apple cider and pretty fall things make me melt. It's my favorite season of all time and it's finally upon us. hooray:)

Happy day! xo

Alfred Lord Tennyson had a point..

It's been a week since my fingers have hit the keys of a laptop in attempts to free my mind. Maybe I'm being selfish with my thoughts and haven't wanted to share. Or maybe the thoughts are just happy staying secret rather than floating around in cyberspace for anyone to pick at. Or maybe I just haven't had anything to say.

I would say the last is the case.

I've continued to have abnormal dreams...Which is a sidenote.... And have been thinking a lot about love and feelings and the heart. And Jesus. Because it seems to me that He's the only One who makes it all work together well.

Here is something I wrote last week on the topic:

"What does it mean to love someone?

Sometimes I'm not always sure. I feel like I love people, but do I really love them? Is it just a feeling I have? Or is it true?

What if I'm being selfish? Do I not love the other person then? Or does that just mean I love myself more than the other person? Does that make my love not true? Does that make my love trivial? Irrelevant? Insignificant?

I've realized that I love God and love others better when I'm in relationship with God. Which makes sense. Because if I'm in relationship with God, then I'm full of Him. Which means I'm full of Love. God's always in me, so I always have love in my heart. But maybe, by being lazy and slacking on my communication with Jesus, I am not able to tap into the Love as well as I would when I'm spending time with Him. Therefore I'm not loving others well. Or giving the love back to God."

I definitely think loving others (and God) comes more naturally when I'm in relationship with God, as I stated above. Also, making the choice to love, I think, is vital as well. Because we're human and we still don't always feel like loving...and that's where the predetermined choice can be of some help. Because sometimes (and a lot of times) I'm just selfish and don't feel like loving.... 

But loving is always the better choice.
Our hearts get involved, we give a piece of ourselves to others. It's all a little scary...the vulnerability that puts us in. The outcome could be pain and heartbreak, it's true. I, having partaken of the pain of rejected love and disappointment, know the excruciating result of heartbreak. But having gone through that, I still think loving  and losing is better than never loving at all. 

Because that is what we are called to do. Love. 

And by some chance that the love proves to be true.....makes all of it worth it. 

Because Love made me. Love saved me. And Love is keeping me alive...

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 
-Alfred Lord Tennyson

I wonder...

Are dreams for real? Do they have meaning? Is there a reason we dream what we dream?

I've been having less than normal dreams for the past month and a half. Running from bad guys mostly. And then others that make me stop short and think.

Are my dreams my sub-conscience mind trying to speak to me? Is it Jesus? Or is it just the result of the craziness inside my head?

Is it just a dream? Or is it part of my reality?

"For in dreams we enter a world that is all our own." - J.K.Rowling

Late night pondering...

I think inside my head.

Woah. Profound right? My love interest and I were talking back and forth this evening and I realized something. More, he taught me something about myself that I hadn't realized yet--not completely anyway. And learning about me helps me learn about others. Another window, another perspective, another frame of mind.

I've always had a hard time communicating my thoughts. I rather wish that I could take the feelings in my heart and somehow just pick them up and put them in another persons hands so they could feel what I'm feeling. Articulating those feelings isn't always easy for me. Not that I'm an awkward stuttering geek. I can talk just fine and I share my feelings alright....the depth just isn't always shared as well as I wish.

Growing up I used to leave notes in my dad's briefcase or suitcase when he left on trips. Little notes about how great I thought he was or how much I would miss him. To me, writing a letter was special. A little piece of me, I suppose. Something substantial to remember and read and know the love that was in my heart. I doubt I've changed much from my little girl days. I don't hide letters in pockets and zippers like I used to, but I think, many times, I articulate my love better via the written word.

For instance. I'll talk to my long-distance-love-interest on the phone and try to tell him why I love him. I stumble through my thoughts and scramble for the list of "whys." I'm fairly sure he gets the point. Later on, however, after we've said our goodbyes and good nights, I'll think of smoother more romantic ways to have shared my feelings to him. (I usually end up texting him why he's just the best man ever... I'm sure text messages just make him weak at the knees...) On the other hand, he always beats me to the punch and says countless sickening-sweet things to me that would make any girl melt like a popsicle on the fourth of July. (lucky, I know) It's so easy for him to let the words tumble out his mouth and somehow they sound beautiful...

To get to the point. Humans are the same. We think in our heads and then we speak with our mouth. But the way we all communicate is so different and unique. I've only stated two examples (of course they would be about me and my love interest--like those are the only two important things on earth....) but knowing just these two differences make me want to pay attention to others and the way they communicate. I also realize that love is recieved differently by everyone....I want to try to communicate that love in the way the other person recieves it best....not just the way I do....

Ah, the adventures of learning. If you fell asleep, you can wake up now, I'm finished with my desultory ways...for tonight.

Sleep tight. xo

My thoughts run on uncommon paths these days...

Go ahead. Call me crazy, silly and immature. But I find Stephenie Meyer's novels to be enthralling. Yes... sparkly vampires are ridiculous. Yes, aliens will never take over our bodies. But still....they make me wish my life was an ounce as exciting as the dangers of each page. No. I am not some crazy Edward fan and I won't be pre-ordering any movie tickets to see book-based-movies like a crazed-fan. I simply enjoy her literature.

I think writers have an amazing role when they write books. How amazing it is to create a universe in which the reader can enter a new world as someone else. Where you're chased by villains, learn to fight and fall in love over and over...all from the safe boring harbor of your home...

Books open my perspective as well. They make me think more about thoughts and feelings and the way things work and the way people are. Somehow....the fictional characters and their fictional lives inspire me to do creative things and make me want to make something of myself. Which ultimately means the writer has inspired me. Again, I believe writers have an amazing calling and role.

Now...I may have jumped off the deep end now.... transformed into a hermit bookworm. But I haven't lost my mind. I know the Bible is the only book I need and is where I learn all that I need for life and love and adventure. And the Bible is where it all began...its where adventure, villains and war were birthed....and It's stories are true and alive. [[This is my disclaimer]]

Okay back to earth.

So i've been working on a pair of jeans....ripping them and distressing them... My creativity for the weekend:

This photo isn't that great...but I plan on wearing lace tights underneath to show through the rips and holes...yay:) Not really original....but I didn't have to spend 60 bucks on ruined jeans...I got to do it myself. ;)

My love interest keeps speaking of traveling the globe someday...Which I understand is something everyone says they'll do but the dreamers never actually fly across the pacific. But I have high hopes that I'll step foot on places my eyes have never drank in...maybe i'll stumble across a mermaid or two...I'm okay with traveling to neverland......

For now. I'm just hanging out, here in my safe haven of boredom.....

"Creativity takes courage." -Henri Matisse

A long post about a choice..

Oh the wonderful concept of marriage. And the ugly concept of marriage. America sometimes almost makes me want to never wed to anyone.

Me? Saying that? Can you imagine? Since I was a little girl I've dreamt of being betrothed to one man forever....I didn't dream of the perfect man. I just dreamt of one that I could love forever....with his countless flaws. As I've grown older, I've sat in several marriage classes, read books upon books on how to love someone well and build a good relationship, and have tried to learn as much as I can on the subject.

I used to think I would have a great relationship because of all the information I had gathered for myself. This all happened prior to any relationship experience. Now that I've been in a couple of relationships I've seen for myself how easy it is to be selfish, to get upset about silly things, to put yourself first and think that the other person isn't doing their part....or that the two of you just won't last.

Why? How does that happen? How do marriages fall apart?

Choice.

Easy enough, right? Each day you choose to love the person. You choose to stay married to them. You choose to love and tolerate their annoying quirks. You choose to not quit. You choose to be a team. To work things out. To put the other person first. Choose to be their friend and have their best interest at heart.

Simple and easy?

Well...that means putting yourself aside. Putting them above you. But wait. What about me? I'm important, right? Shouldn't he be doing this? Why isn't she being this for me? Why can't he remember anything I say? Why can't she just listen to me for once?

Just being in a relationship for a year has shown me that it's not easy...and I'm not even married or have a ring on my finger.

But it's possible.

It's possible to choose to love someone more than yourself. To make the decision to commit. To stay. To love. To be there. To be "the one" for them. It's a choice. It's a decision. And we can all do it. Hollywood, or our parents or the neighbors across the street who scream all the time, or the statistics, or our friends.....none of them have to influence our choice. We can choose to put aside all of that. All the negatives, all the doubt and all the self-seeking desires. And Love. Love not with our own love. Because we can't do it alone. Love with Jesus' love. The love He planted in all of us, that He cultivates and multiplies in us...for He IS love.
May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. (1 thessalonians 3:12)

So this is what I've learned about love and marriage and life. It's all about people and it's all about God. And that's all it's about. It's about loving people.. loving through the love that God has planted in us...
That's why love is so powerful. Because God is love. So when we love people...we're....Godding them...if that makes sense... We turn God into a verb when we love people. This is kinda a sidenote...

[[My thoughts are kinda going all over the place...they obviously haven't stayed organized as I had attempted to do yesterday. ]]

To get to the point.

Love. Choose. And fight. Fight to choose and to love. To stay committed against the odds. And in the end....continuing to make the choice everyday, you'll look to your side with absolute bliss, knowing your best friend for life stands there...even though he never remembers what you tell him.....

xo

above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude  of sins.

Living life, 7 days a week..

I have lots of thoughts tumbling around inside my head.

I'm trying to straighten and organize them...but they're kinda having fun dancing around all jumbled up inside my brain. I haven't tried to really reign them in yet...but today I will make the attempt to straighten them halfway.

Thought number one:
I have recently ended one job and started another. I'm not going to speak on my previous place of employment. And I don't really feel the desire to speak of the current one either. It's not exactly what I expected. And after an entire day (or two or three) I've made a decision. That I will work my hardest and best regardless of my desire to actually be there. Wednesday night I made a discovery...God wants us to work hard at our jobs. Incredible, right? I get really tired of living the day to day life that I am currently participating in....mostly because it is mundane. My pastor said the other day, "sometimes we'd like to just skip the subplot and get to the point." My thoughts exactly! (this is sort of a thought inside a thought...) Anyway my point is. I want to make the most of my time. And so, I'm going to work hard at this job. To work as if I'm working for God and not a man. And even though I'm not entirely excited to be working at my current place of employment...I'm going to learn as much as I can where I'm at. Someday I may discover that this was the perfect job to teach me certain things I'll need down the road. That way when my life gets to "the point" I'll be happy I worked my hardest and made the most of my time....living out the subplot.

Thought number two:
Continuing on thought number one...wanting to be productive and make the most of my time, I've made a decision. I'm making a goal for myself. To be creative everyday. Whether that means that I paint, or draw, or take a photo, or post a blog, or attempt at altering a pair of jeans. I'm excited about this....we'll see how it goes. Yesterday I rearranged my room, threw away old papers and junk I do not need and hung some photos on the wall. Here are the fruits of my labor and my creative act for yesterday:

(photo taken by iPhone)

Thought number three: I've lost my drivers license. I think I lost it at the airport. I've been losing a number of things lately. I've recovered most of the things I seem to lose track of. But my license is something I have yet to come across yet. Which means I'm driving illegally in Oklahoma. Oh dear. If any policeman are reading this: You're amazing, thanks for all your work. I think you should get paid more. Also, Could you please not pull me over til I get a new license? Thank you much. Anyway. I need to go to the DMV and get a new license.....

Thought number four: I've become a bit of a bookworm lately. Growing up I was a huge bookworm....reading for hours on end. To the point that reading was no longer included in my schoolwork (being home schooled, your mom gets to choose what subjects you study) This was sad for me...because that meant I had to finish all my school before I could read. Devastating. It also came to the point that my mom limited me on my reading. I had to make sure I accomplished certain things throughout the day and interacted with outside life and limited my reading time. When I moved to Colorado and enrolled in Bible school, I decided to stop reading and focus on worthwhile things...like Jesus, my enlarged group of friends, and outside activities. I welcomed this change heartily and haven't picked up a fiction-based book in 3 years....until this summer. And therefore, surprisingly, I have rediscovered my love of reading again. (surprisingly, because I didn't think I'd ever love to read again.) I'm not as obsessed as I was when I was younger, which is an improvement. Another surprising point is that reading has widened my perspective and my awareness of my surroundings and Jesus. Which is surprising because I've been reading mystical/fantastical/scifi books. (ANOTHER surprising point, because I definitely have never read books like these before.) I'm not sure why, but reading has made me think of how life works and helped me dive deeper into my thoughts, which, inevitably, makes me think of Jesus and how life works and appears and...is. I'm enjoying myself, lets just say that.

Those are all the thoughts I'm going to organize and uncover for today.

Peace out.

Sun and moon and shining stars..

This weekend I was in Colorado.

The night I got into town, it took an hour to get to my hotel.

                                                                 ((Psalm 148:3)) 


 During the ride, I looked out the window and marveled at the stars. It was so dark outside and the city was far away...so the stars took center stage in the sky and shone bright and beautiful without the distractions of city lights. And at that moment. I couldn't understand life without God. God who placed those dazzling stars in the sky. And named each one. And promised to make descendants of a man that numbered the stars...and look how true it is....the earth so populated that China is exploding with people. God never lies....He's so faithful. As faithful as the stars that shine each night and the sun that rises each morning. Even more faithful than those examples...for He created the the sun and moon and stars... and they worship Him each day as they fulfill their beautiful and essential purpose in this life.

                                                                        ((Psalm 147:4))

Looking at the bursts of light shining through the inky sky made me want to reach out and touch them, to touch God and His beauty, and spend the rest of my life staring at His wondrous creation.

And yet, God created the beautiful people on this earth, the rain that falls from the clouds, and the little ladybugs and rollie pollies. I get so accustomed to seeing these miracles every day that I lose sight of their...for lack of a better word...incredibleness.

I want to see God's majesty everyday, to see things through His eyes and His perspective. And to realize the beauty in His creation. His love through how perfectly He has designed the work of His hands. I want to recognize the detail of every thing He's touched with His Life, His Love, His Beauty.

I want to see.

 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. 

       His love endures forever.

  Give thanks to the God of gods. 

       His love endures forever.

  Give thanks to the Lord of lords: 

       His love endures forever.

  to him who alone does great wonders, 

       His love endures forever.

  who by his understanding made the heavens, 

       His love endures forever.

  who spread out the earth upon the waters, 

       His love endures forever.

  who made the great lights— 

       His love endures forever.

  the sun to govern the day, 

       His love endures forever.

  the moon and stars to govern the night; 

       His love endures forever.

  to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt 

       His love endures forever.

  and brought Israel out from among them 

       His love endures forever.

  with a mighty hand and outstretched arm; 

       His love endures forever.

  to him who divided the Red Sea asunder 

       His love endures forever.

  and brought Israel through the midst of it, 

       His love endures forever.

  but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea; 

       His love endures forever.

  to him who led his people through the desert, 

       His love endures forever.

  who struck down great kings, 

       His love endures forever.

  and killed mighty kings— 

       His love endures forever.

  Sihon king of the Amorites 

       His love endures forever.

  and Og king of Bashan— 

       His love endures forever.

  and gave their land as an inheritance, 

       His love endures forever.

  an inheritance to his servant Israel; 

       His love endures forever.
  to the One who remembered us in our low estate 

       His love endures forever.

  and freed us from our enemies, 

       His love endures forever.

  and who gives food to every creature. 

       His love endures forever.

  Give thanks to the God of heaven. 

       His love endures forever.    
Psalm 136